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THE TEN+ COMMANDMENTS OF RAVE
Thou shalt not kill the atmosphere with overt sex on the dancefloor.
Thou shalt not holdest a 40 while dancing, for the other ravers
shall not hold him guiltless, who wields a Colt 45 on the dance-floor.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors glowstick, niether his nitrous
balloon, nor his ecstasy, nor his spot on the dancefloor.
Thou shalt not holdest thy cigarette while catching a groove on the
dance floor. For the other ravers might suffer burning flesh wounds or
ruined rave gear.
Thou shalt smile at the gentleman or lady moving to the beat
nearest thou.
Thou shalt not upset the holy Technics by jumping near or on the DJ.
Thou shalt not play gabber in the chill room.
Thou shalt wear extra deoderant so as not to offend thy neighbors
nose.
Thou shalt use smoke so as to better envelope thy fellow ravers.
Thou shall announce all disc jockeys prior to their appearance.
Thou shall provide free fruit so as to replenish the thirst and
appetites of thy bretheren ravers.
Thou shall open some door so as to allow the winds of freshness to
cool thy congregation.
Thou shalt offer gum, candy, and most importantly WATER to those
raving maniacs with whom thou cometh in contact.
Thou shalt not touch thine mouth to thine neighbor's water bottle,
as plague and virus thus spread rapidly throughout the community.
Thou shalt not grimace nor act angry when bumped by a passer-by, but
smile and say: "no problemo."
Thou shalt blow thy party whistle and wave thine hands in the air
when the music lifts thine spirit.
Thou shalt not pass out chemical concoctions of thine own invention
to fellow ravers. Only those tried and true chemical combinations that
have been accepted by ravers since time immemorial shalt thou pass out.
Thou shalt not scam thy fellow raver.
By Brandon M
How to be a Raver: Core Curriculum
HOW TO BE A RAVER, CORE CURRICULUM:
Autumn:
PE 101: why not to eat glowstick goo.
FASH 101:trust us, baggy pants ARE comfortable.
MUZ 101: why BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM constitutes music.
HEALTH 101: how to stay awake for days (lab free).
Winter:
PE 210: wearing 50 lbs. of beads nad dancing.
FASH 211: basic slinky technics.
MUZ 210: getting beyond house (pass/fail).
MUZ 250: dj recognition basics.
Spring:
PLUR 101: when to use PLUR in a sentence. and when not to.
LOGIC 201: yes, you CAN hit 5 parties in one night.
HEALTH 215: why 3 a.m. is not "early."
PE 290: water- how much would you pay?
Autumn2:
ART 240: your nickname and why it's better than your given
name.
MUZ 305: jungle- you CAN dance to it! (lab free)
HEALTH 300: hey, that's aspirin!
FASH 300: advanced- the outdoor party
Winter2:
PE 365: group hugs and when to stay clear.
FASH 400: are you a candy raver?
MUZ 390: hardcore, gabber, speed garage.
ART 305: banners
Spring2:
PLUR 499: what it REALLY stands for.
MUZ 455: beatmatching (also MUZ 590 for grad credit).
PE 405: (theory) the cops- why they exist.
HEAL 455: recovery techniques.
How to Spot a Raver
- Ravers can perfectly understand and have amazing conversations with
anyone under the age of ten.
- Ravers know where all the best toy stores are.
- Ravers get the most mileage out of their shoes. The toes and heels always
curl up because they're so worn down.
- Ravers always wish the dj would spin that OC Transpo track that they keep
hearing on the bus ride home.
- Ravers are the only people who don't have their age calculated in months,
yet still wear and use pacifiers.
- Ravers always consider every new place they go to as a possible location
for a party.
- Ravers hug EVERYONE.
- Ravers can DANCE.
- Ravers can be found dancing everywhere EXCEPT the main dance floor.
- Ravers understand the art of the bathroom conversation.
- Ravers choose their clothes by texture, colour, and size.
- Ravers love homemade clothes because they've seen the price tag on a pair
of Lithiums.
- Ravers get the most enjoyment out of gino/guito stories.
- Ravers always order water when they go out to clubs.
- Ravers realize that "Evian" spells "naivE" backwards.
- Ravers notice that the doors near the Mackenzie King Bridge have an "e"
on the handle.
- Ravers always know the most likely spot to find other ravers within a
one-hundred foot radius.
- Ravers don't bother planning to meet their friends ahead of time, their
friends are always already there.
- Ravers don't say "Nice shoes, wanna fu@k?"
- Ravers give the best hugs and massages.
- Ravers have a one track mind. It goes "thump thump tweet thump tweet
thump".
- Ravers constantly point out the trippy visuals in everyday life.
- Ravers helped Adidas through the "lean" years.
- Ravers never know the name of their favorite tracks.
- Ravers know how to SMILE.
- Ravers always choose "e" on multiple choice questions.
- Ravers are good at playing "guess what he's on".
- Ravers will say "hi" to those people they don't know, yet always see on
the bus.
- Ravers can't watch Electric Circus without it being muted.
- Ravers define the style of music they listen to as "good".
- Ravers know what to do with a dead glowstick.
You know your a REAL raver when...
(apoligies to david letterman...in no particular order)
10. you have sleeping patterns that would kill normal human beings
9. you start coveting all of your dad's old 1977 polyester sweatsuits
8. almost every letter of the alphabet has an alternate meaning to you
7. you begin to think of blow-pops as a seperate food group
6. you cant see your shoes
5. the mere mention of a 3 digit number with a "0" int the middle of it
causes you to drool uncontrolably
4. the odometer of your car increases in big chunks over the weekend
3. you get an evil grin every time you see commercials for "E: the
entertainment network"
2. you have to fight back the urge to beat the hell out everyone who thinks
raves are like the club scene in "basic instinct"
1. you can keep a straight face when you tell people "really, not that many
people are on anything....im serious!"
Or these perhaps...
10. you are happy when there's a recession because it means more empty
warehouses
9. food, water, air, Vick's...all are about of equal importance
8. you can live for an entire weekend out of your bookbag
7. you are no longer just a raver...but a promoter, vendor, DJ, etc...
6. you know about the INFORMATION POLICE
5. you're white and have dreads
4. you have trouble naming 5 friends who are not pierced SOMEWHERE
3. you'll pay for a ticket to an event that may very well not happen...
and you'll pay for a pill that may very well be asprin...but you
WILL NOT pay /home/free/cgi-bin/util/sitebuilder.25 for that big glass of water!
2. you can't pass an empty warehouse, church, school, big open field, barn,
airplane hanger, phone booth, nuclear power plant, etc...without getting
that far-off look in your eye and saying...'wow, what a great site for
a ...'
1. and even then you're not a TRUE RAVER...because no one but myself
can possibly THINK about calling themselves a TRUE RAVER!
Top Several Signs Your Rave Is About to Get Busted
- Those guys in suits standing next to the front door.
- The laser prints 'Raid...get...out...now....' on the back wall.
- When you go to watch the DJ spin, and all you find is a mixtape on on
auto-reverse.
- The people shouting 'ECSTASY, GET YER ECSTASY HEAH!...'
- Spritely teenagers run around shouting "whee, I'm so fucked up"
- The deaf little old lady in her housecoat and slippers comes
over to see what "all that racket" is about
- The local TV station arrives to do a fluff piece on "evil all-night
dance parties"
- A parent walks around with a flashlight checking out every E-ing
couple making out in the chill room
- Those neat new flashing lights *aren't* intellabeams
- Your thoughts mysteriously turn to bacon
- You begin imagining cold metal on flesh
- You hadn't noticed those siren sounds in that song before
- You're on a roof top and the live drummer starts up
- Someone just offered a balloon to the fire marshall
- People are setting off fireworks in the ecological preserve
- The guys from mixing lab just found out where your location is
- Your power fails, but the streetlight is still on...
- Your beeper goes off and the number is "50505050"...
- The cops are talking to your liaison people for the fourth time, but
this time they're pointing into what all your maps said was nothing
but undeveloped forest...
Top Several Signs It's Time For a New DJ
- Four words: James Brown Is Dead.
- The mixing sounds like it was done on a veg-o-matic
- The DJ is just standing there staring at the way cool
label design and it goes round and round and round . . . .
(this is only really bad if the needles hit the inner groove
when shes doing this)
- Two Words: Amtrax Derailment
- You lose your sanity and proclaim "even breakbeat would be better
than this junk!" (of course assuming that you realize that breakbeat
is the most annoying gunk in the galaxy...reminds me of being forced
to clean my room as a child)
- The dj actually *starts* spinning breakbeat
- You begin to humm your favorite classic rock song
- Wax in your ears turns out to be a GOOD thing
- Ready ready SKIP!
- Amtrax Just Had Another Acciednt
- You hear crickets between songs
- Dj starts screaming "lets scratch the night away!"
or alternatively and more effectively "its breakbeat time!"
- When there are more backspin segues than grooves on the record
- The dj picks up the needle and move it back a couple inches
cuz it was about to end and they were talking to other people
- A pair of headphones comes flying out of the booth...
- Someone walks up and requests prince or janet jackson
and the dj is glad to hear a good request finally
Top Several Signs Your Scene Is Dying
- More cops than kids at raves.
- You live in ______ (where?)
- Flyers with phone numbers for more than two area codes
- "no outside food or water allowed" parties
- lots of people are wearing black and have perfect hair
- people disdain an proffered blow-pop, rather than just saying "no thanks"
- more beer cans on the floor after parties than all other forms of
garbage combined
- vomiting
- your dr. suess hat is replaced by a more mature "gangsta" style cap
(or alternativly Dr. Suees seen wearing "gansta" hoods")
- two words: Rusting Whistle
- you see a flyer for a rave sponsored by The Gap
- you see a flyer for a rave sponsored by Coors
- the biggest promoters are Phi Delta Theta
- guns
- more guns
- so many guns that the guy at the door is too scared to frisk people
- "Tickets available at all Ticketmaster outlets..."
- The only events worth going to require plane reservations...
How to Pick Up Honeys
The list was on the back of the Raver Education System and it went something like this:
Have you ever seen that koolest kat on the block and not know how
to get their attention? Well, no need to worry anymore! I have
compiled a list of the raddesr pick up lines to use on these hotties.
Keep this in your back pocket and you will always be prepared!
1) Hey cutie, I got something tastier than that pacifier.
2) Let's go to my place and do things Ill tell everyone we did anyway.
3) All those curves, andme with no brakes.
4) Pardon me, I seemed to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
5) Is it hot in here or is it just you?
6) Fuck me if Im wrong, but arent you elivs?
7) Your pants are so phat, I could see us both in them.
8) How about you and I go back behind the wall of sound and get out of
these wet clothes.
9) I miss my teddy bear, can I snuggle with you?
10) If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
11) Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams (or mind, whichever
you prefer) all night?
This next line recieves the Wisconsin Cheese-head award for being the
cheeziest lineI found:
12) can I have directions? ["to where?" To your heart.
If the person you are trying to pick up doesnt seem impressed use:
13) So...how am I doing
14) If you knew what you were missing you would cut your throat!
Use these with good taste and always be ready to duck!
These were brought to us from the Raver Education System crew which are
Tim Henderson aka Optik, Mark-E D, and Becca Maslow aka Little Elf.
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